A full heart after heartache.

I’m writing this as I feel my baby kick and I cannot tell you how wonderful that feeling is. This pregnancy, I have looked for every sign that everything is okay. Everything is okay.

11-19-17 1645bw

I am 20 weeks pregnant and it has been 6 months since loosing our third baby. 

I always feel hesitant about referring to my current pregnancy as our third because I feel like it means I’m over our loss. It is our fourth pregnancy but only our third baby.
Each day is totally different for me…. and I blame the hormones!
I have been seeing a Reiki healer for over a year now and she told me I was pregnant this time before I even knew or took a test. She’s been connecting with this baby from day one and boy! (or girl) does it love the energy!
Early on she told me that this baby is the same soul that we lost over the summer.
I’m not sure if I smiled or cried harder. I’ve carried that in my heart all these weeks and will continue to. After hearing those words, I’ve found it easier to not mourn a baby I never met because I will, come Spring!

We’ve done every genetic test and they all have come back negative. Our latest ultrasound was deemed “perfect”! Landon told the ultrasound tech (who has been ours for all 4) that “we had a baby that didn’t grow right, but this one is good”
Andrew and I both melted a little. He takes his big brother role very seriously.

11-19-17 1599

At 20 weeks, the babe is the size of a mango or a small cantaloupe! I feel it kick often but it’s still too soon to feel from the outside and I know the Mr is dying to!!

The experience of our miscarriage changed us but we will not let it darken these experiences for us in the future. We are taking each day with an open heart and spreading our love wherever we can. 

11-19-17 1571bw

Here is to healthy babes, happy boys and a beautiful holiday!

Keep Smiling (we sure are!)
Xx

 

 

 

Advertisements

What they don’t tell you & what I’m going to.

sunlight through tree

Talking usually makes me feel better about things going on in my life but writing has become a way for me to channel my thoughts. In a journal, a card or letter or here since I’ve started my blog. Writing is my way to get it out… to scream, to vent. To share my story, happy or sad. This time, is the most difficult post I’ve written yet.

There are no words to describe the feelings I have as I write…. and with a completely broken heart, I need to share that Andrew and I lost our tiny tomer #3.

I’m choosing to write down our story for me. no one else.
If another Mama going through the same experience, now or in the future can find comfort in my words. I hope they hear the truth and understanding about what is happening. I’ve read so many blogs about pregnancy loss, in the past because I have to say I never fully understood it. I couldn’t wrap my head around how they could possibly be feeling. And now, since we are there.
One thing, I have found common in most of the posts is that no one ever talks about what is going to happen when you are miscarrying and I was completely in the dark. Scared and in the dark.  I understand, that like every pregnancy is different, each loss must be too, but this is my story… and everything they don’t tell you.

(warning— i’d stop reading now if you don’t want all the graphic details because i’m not holding anything back)

We had a beautiful Friday in Newport, celebrating our anniversary. Sitting in the sun, eating at our favorite restaurants’, buying lots of Newport memorabilia to bring home to the boys, new Tom’s for me and a new hat for the Mr, we skipped rocks at our secret hideout and enjoyed all our time together in our special place.
Saturday, was a lazy day after work for me and I hung home with the boys while Andrew attended his niece’s gymnastics recital. I was laying on the couch with Landon when he asked to lay my belly.. he pulled up my shirt, rested his head on his brother or sister and rubbed his hand back and forth. His head shot up quickly and he said, “Mama, our baby is talking to me.”  I asked what it say and he, put his head back down and said, “I don’t know”. When I asked him again the next day after we told him what happened, he said, “the baby told me it wanted to stay in your belly”

Sunday was a full day for us as we had two birthday parties to attend. We started our day at a gymnastics party for a family friend where we all had a blast. The boys jumped and rope swung, Mr freefell into the foam pit (he really just slowly fell in, to get Owen out) and I went threw the bounce house obstacle course with the birthday girl.
After we had cake, I went to the bathroom because to be honest, after going down a slide and having two kids, you’re bound to pee little. I wasn’t peeing, I was bleeding. It wasn’t a lot and I wasn’t alarmed. The party was wrapping up so we headed home.
I called our Drs office just to hear what they had to say and was told that I could wait it out and be seen at the office first thing in the morning or head to the ER if it got worse.

I tripled up on pads and we headed to our next party, where we just sat and watched the kids throw a frisbee to the dog (boring, right). After we got home, the bleeding was bright red and definitely a little more. We called my mom and she came to get the boys so we could head to YALE.
-Here is where I am going to shoutout EVERY SINGLE nurse and dr we came into contact with while at YALE on Sunday night. Your professionalism, your grace during an incredibly nerve-wracking experience for us and your words in telling us the worst news we’ve ever heard, was amazing. Thank you. –
Check-in took us back to a room immediately after telling them why we were there. A Dr came in within the hour and the tests began. I peed in a cup where they did a pregnancy test to find I was pregnant, which like all of you- we already knew. The PA performed a pelvic exam where she said my cervix was closed which was the best case in a situation like this. There as a lot of blood but it wasn’t “pooling”, as she put it. A nurse came in to draw some blood, we talked about her very pregnant belly and how she was on boy #3, like us (rather, like i’d hoped) Andrew told her he was holding out for a girl. Transport came and took us to ultrasound where they performed two, and internal ultrasound and outer. Before we started, the tech told us that she was not a doctor and that she could not tell us anything while we were with her. A doctor would come back into our room and go over it all with us.
I don’t know if it was the hospital or how awesome everyone was, but Andrew and I both said to each other ,how we felt optimistic being there.  

After 4 hours, our nurse brought us some prepared lunches after seeing us sharing the few starbursts we found at the bottom of my purse (totally life of parents). Immediately after Andrew finished his sandwich, the PA came back in.

She said, “I have some not so good news for you. We found that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and you are in fact, having a miscarriage.”

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I’m not sure if I heard everything she said after that.
She did tell us, there was nothing more they could do there but I had three options moving forward. 1- let my body do it’s thing and it would continue to miscarry on its own; at home. 2- my OB could give me a medicine that would help speed things along; again at home. 3- I could have a procedure called a D&C and they would surgically remove the fetus and tissue. I had to call and see my Dr first thing in the morning.
I don’t know how long we were there after that because I broke down. Andrew jumped up the second the PA left the room and grabbed me. We sat there and cried together.

My parents had the boys and all I wanted to do was see them so we went straight there. It was well past midnight and they were all asleep so I just watched them for a while… Owen taking up the entire queen bed himself and Landon snuggled up close to T in the twin bed, T holding onto Landon’s shirt.
Unaware of who broke into her house (threw an unlocked door I might add), my mom came into their room. All I could do was shake my head before falling into her arms. In the living room, my dad came out and held me as I told him through sobs that we had lost the baby.

The thoughts running though my mind the rest of the night were, why? what did I do? what was so different this time?

Monday morning we saw our Dr at 11:30am and he went over our options again telling me that if I let my body do it itself, it could take up to 3 weeks. Andrew and I had talked earlier that morning and I decided I wanted to do the D&C because I didn’t think I could handle going through all that at home. We talked about what the ultrasound found. I was 12 weeks pregnant and the baby was only measuring 8 weeks.That is a huge difference, too big of a difference. He told us the baby most likely passed a week or two ago. For whatever reason, the connection as the baby was growing was off. “It wasn’t cooking right.” as Mr Landon said. Hearing this made me feel much better knowing it was nothing I did.
I signed the consent forms and went home to wait for a surgery day and time. Dr F told me to call if the bleeding got worse.
I didn’t ask any questions about miscarrying at home because I had decided on the D&C but as we already know, my body had different plans for this pregnancy. Around 5pm, my cramping turned into what felt like contractions and the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I called the on-call Dr who walked me through each step.
I was in fact having contractions because my body knew it had to get the baby out. Besides the obvious, another difference between labor and a miscarriage is that your cervix doesn’t dilate, everything pushes through the tissue that is there.
Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.
I asked if since my contractions were 1-5 minutes apart, would it happen sooner than later. She answered yes and that I was in for a long night. There would be lots of blood and once the sac containing the baby passed, the contractions would slow down or stop until the rest of the tissue came out. I was to call if the bleeding became uncontrollable. I switched between the toilet and the shower for over an hour and everything happened as she said it would. I know so many people that have experienced pregnancy loss and again, read sooo many blogs about it but no one talks about the gross stuff, so I had no idea what to expect.
We received a call at 8:30am Tuesday morning saying we needed to be seen for an ultrasound right away to make sure everything passed. Once there, our Dr told us there was still too much tissue in my uterus and he wanted me to have the D&C also. It was still scheduled for Wednesday and he was so sorry.
I felt good all day so maybe did a little more than I should have. We had a few visitors, and I got to snuggle my godson for a couple of hours. I lost it again when my best friend walked through our front door with dinner in her hand and tears in her eyes. Talking about it out loud makes it real. It makes me feel better. I have moments where it doesn’t make any sense, and talking about it definitely helps that.

We ordered pizza because it was too hot to turn the oven on and neither of us were making anything. I ate and immediately had contractions again. Back to the bathroom to go through it all again. These hurt worse. My back was on fire, the bleeding was horrific and I just wanted it to be over.

It’s Wednesday morning, I woke up insanely early and I’m writing this section before we head to the hospital for the procedure. I have no clue what to expect. Our Dr explained that during the surgery they will basically scrape and suction out anything left in the uterus.  He said it will bring closure to the physical side of the whole event. The bleeding will be minimal and I’ll only need to be on bed rest for a few days.
We arrived at the hospital at 11:20am and they took me up right away. I was prepped for surgery, each Dr that played a roll came in to explain their part in the procedure and I walked to the OR. My nurse asked how my nerves were on the way over to the room and when I told her, “crazy” she said she’d slip the calming cocktail right in my IV. Everyone introduced themselves as I climbed onto the bed. My body started to shake so my OB grabbed my hand and said he was right there and would hold my hand until I was under. I felt the mask on my face, heard the nurse tell me to take two deep breaths and I woke up about 45 minutes later, on my way to recovery. I remember bits and pieces of the after, as the anesthesia wore off. I did hear the recovery nurse on the phone telling the waiting lounge desk to bring Andrew back to my room immediately. She said “i know she’s only been here for 10 minutes but she’s very emotional and they said she cried the whole procedure so I want him back here right away” He came, held my hand and fed me muffins and cranberry juice (what a guy). We left the hospital after only a few hours and were off to go home! I’ll be on best rest for rest of the weekend but everything went great. My head was fuzzy for a while and the emotions hit me in waves but talking about it helps. I’m very sore and the boys love holding my hand to help me to the bathroom ❤

 
They don’t tell you that the percentage of miscarriage goes down to .7% at 10 weeks. They don’t tell you it happens anyways.. at 12 weeks. They don’t tell you that you will have contractions like you do in labor. They don’t tell you that there is so much blood. sooo much. They don’t tell you your body pushes your baby out and you feel it. They don’t tell you it will last for hours. They don’t tell you your husband will run from upstairs to downstairs to keep the boys occupied, your ice water filled, a cold towel on your neck and that the shower head is hitting the right spot on your back. They don’t tell you through pain, sweat and the tears that you will come out okay. They don’t tell you the clots will be so big you think you are dying. They don’t tell you that it happens for days. They don’t tell you that when you go back to the dr he will see way too much tissue and require the d&c anyways. They don’t tell you that you’ll continue to miscarry for a second night. They don’t tell you it will be just as bad as the first. They don’t tell you your emotions will hit you like a truck and take your breath away. They don’t tell you that you will watch your husband as he processes the loss of HIS child. They don’t tell you he will try to keep his feelings in check to make sure yours are met at every second through this awful time. They don’t tell you that you will see him shake with nerves as he sends you into the OR for your first encounter with heavy drugs- let alone surgery- for this. They don’t tell you that you will cherish the only two bump pictures you got to take, like gold. They don’t tell you how long you’ll keep your pregnancy announcement out.
They don’t tell you how life changing this is.

They don’t tell you to talk about it, to share your story, to grieve in your own way.

 

I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mother. My life’s purpose made sense the days my boys were born. Fostering as allowed me to share my love of being a Mama with babes who need it so desperately. Loosing OUR baby, that we wanted so badly has shaken me to my core. There is no way to fully explain the emotions to anyone.

I cannot thank my husband enough for his strength as he is literally carrying me through the worst days of my life. He didn’t leave my side and I know our love will get us through this.

We want to thank each and everyone of you who have reached out, brought us food, flowers, taken our boys, picked up my prescriptions, picked up and dropped off Landon at school, been a shoulder for me to cry on, called or came right over. We welcome your love and texts and butts on our couch. Thank you for bringing me my godson to snuggle for hours and for those of you who have experienced pregnancy loss yourself, for sending me encouragement and strength.
We will get through this and move past the shock of it all, with time, as we mourn the loss of our sweet baby who I know Nana Bea has swaddled up tight.

If you made it to the end (….. it took forever, right!?) thank you for reading my story. I never wish this for anyone but if someone can find peace or comfort in my words, I’ve completed my mission. If you think someone else could benefit from it, please share.

Keep Smiling & Spread the Love

Xx

Fostering our hearts out <3

I’ve wanted to write about our experiences as foster parents for awhile now. I’ve been keeping it all on my sleeve and stored up in my head.
We became foster parents in April of last year and it’s crazy to think that we’ve been at it for almost a year now. In that time we have had 6, SIX, kids come through our home.
Our first little love was with us for a month. Two brothers were for a day. A two year old boy was just under 2 weeks. A 13 yr old everyday after school for almost 3 months and our last babe was here for 4 months.

Each call comes with its own story but each kid is just about the same…
They need to be loved and feel loved.

Unfortunately, each call comes with it’s own set of headaches. Every time we are in between a baby, I tell Andrew that I don’t want to do it again for the sole reason of having to deal with the miscommunication and frustration.. Then the phone rings…..

I have a three month old baby, we are going to court at 3pm to remove her from the home; can you take her? YES!
We are out now, trying to locate a mom to remove a baby girl, can you take her? YES.
We have a 2 day old in the hospital and he doesn’t need to be here any longer, can you come get him? YES !
We have a 2.5 month old that is in the ER right now.. once the tests are all done, can we bring her to you? YES!

A few of those calls were immediately followed by, “we found a family member, we are all set now” or ” you have a little boy already staying with you so it’s not going to work out” It’s quite a lot to break your heart a little each time. People always tell me that they could never do it because they wouldn’t want to give them back. They ask, how do you let them go? It has to be so hard for you.  For me?! I get to love these babies, no matter for how long, after they are taken from their parents… we hold them and get them healthy until they go back home or on to their forever homes. Can you imagine how hard that is for them???

I never really realized before becoming a foster parent how far a little love can go.

We take for granted how much a bottle at the right feeding time makes a difference. That a bath and a snuggle before bedtime can instill a sense of stability. Routine is wanted and being hugged can alter their life. Sleeping in the same bed every night makes them feel safe and knowing that we will come when they cry makes them feel important.

We fell head over heels for our first placement on night one. The boys adored her and she oddly enough looked like a Tomer. She was only with us for a month before being moved to a family members home.
We took in two brothers for a day the day after their removal until they were able to find a placement for them. We provided respite for another foster family and watched the two year old in their care while they were away for a few weeks. He stayed behind because he was in the process of being re-placed with his adoptive family. We were lucky enough to be a part of the meeting and introductions before he left. The beginning of the school year brought us a very sweet 13 year old to hang out with us after school until HE was adopted in November and moved to another town. Our last placement was a rough one. She came to us at 2.5 months old. She cried all. the. time. and stayed with us for 3 1/2 months.

Knowing that for the short time each of those kids were a part of the Tomer’s, impacted their lives the way it did, makes me that much more aware of my purpose. Being a mom.
Taking babies in, getting them healthy, fat and happy and sending them on their way- whether it be back home or to their forever home, we know we made a difference in their life. Even if they’ll never remember us.

Because one day, you may get a call that your very first placement (the one you all fell in love with on day one and would have kept the second they asked) isn’t working out with the family member they placed her with and they’ll ask if we would take her back… potentially forever. That call may come, like it did for us and fate will be on your side.
We met with the social worker the day after the call came and of course said yes!! She will be one next week and so long as no approved family come out of the wood work, she will spend her birthday with family and then be back with us in a few days later!
It will be a very long, hard and emotional road to permanency but we’re up for the challenge. We asked Landon if he could have a foster baby come back and stay with us, who would it be and he immediately said her name. After the social worker left, he said “if she comes home, I’ll be so so happy!” My little guy gets it and has the biggest heart.
So if you need me, I’ll be getting ready. I ordered a car seat and am redecorating her room. Clothes shopping will be a must! #iwasmadeforthis #welcometothetomers

I’ll be sure to update you all on our journey as we go… thanks for the love, be kind.

 

Keep Smiling. Xx

A New Year, I’m starting fresh

Aaa.. it’s been a while. When I stated this blog, I thought it would be easy to find a story or a situation to write about (that you all would want to read) but I’ve found that kind of difficult. I’m not sure why.
However, my resolution this year, is to write at least one post a month. Here we go!

8-19-16a-108

 

Last year was an incredibly successful, adventurous, trying but exciting year. We opened our home to little babes in need of some love and health by becoming foster parents, I expanded my skills by adding esthetics to my tool belt, we took a cruise to the Bahamas, a jet plane to Hawaii, visited the BRONX ZOO,  Andrew did a tour in the Narcotics unit for the PD, my mom & the boys and I spread love by brining cupcakes to every police officer we saw, we spent time with family camping in Lake George, we threw the boys a big birthday bash, hosted our first friendsgiving, and we finally got Landon’s butt potty trained- just in time to start preschool!!


Landon has made so many friends, went to his first schoolmate birthday party, takes gymnastics and crossfit. He comes home singing songs that I’ve never heard of and knows that the “L” is for Landon and “O” is for Owen. His friends run to him when I drop him off and sometimes (rare- but it happens) he cries when I come back to get him. (I guess we can’t be mad that he love school, right?)
A few weeks into the school year, he had an accident while running down the hall with marshmallows in a plastic tote. The plastic tote stopped when it hit the rug but he kept going. Going until his teeth hit the floor and pushed them back up into his bone. After hours in the ER and a full night of him saying,” I need my teeth out”, he had to have 2 of the 3 damaged teeth extracted. He was as brave as a 3year old could be, with a giant needle coming towards him and I… stood in the hallway bawling (to be honest, reliving the moment as I type, has be feeling a little faint). As soon as the bleeding stopped, he was back to normal and picking out the most expensive toy at Target, as his reward!
A few weeks later, we were back in the ER for a wasp bite that blew up like a golf ball. The nurses knew exactly who we were. (I’m still not sure how to feel about that one).
All just the beginning of my amazing life as the Mama of boys!

Owen has become quite the dancer and loves to steal toys from his brother. Watching him grow this past year, makes my heart sing. My boys are as alike and as different as can be. Owen marches to his own drum and doesn’t need anyone around to entertain himself for hours. He can mean mug as good as the rest of them and adores his big brother more and more everyday. He knows all the fun animals sounds but only half of his body parts. He raises his fist in the air and yells “BA.NAN.A” like a Minion whenever he eats one and fish are his favorite creature by far. Watch our world, Owen Michael will make shit happen.

 

Our year was full of beautiful wedding after beautiful wedding of our beautiful friends!! We joined in on bachelor and bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners and day after brunches. I love to witness great people find true love and see how every style is brought to life on their wedding days. I always say how I want to do it all over, exactly the way we did almost 5 years ago on our 10th anniversary.  #biggoals

 

We shared our love with 6 foster kids last year. Some were for only a day, a few times a week after school, two weeks, a month and 4 months. Our last babe was with us for 4 months but it felt like for.ev.er. She came to us tiny and in need of some serious scheduling and TLC. She quickly became a part of our lives and a constant part of the boys everyday. They loved to help feed her, change her and make her smile. We all loved when she went to sleep at night and woke up happy as could be……. She was a tough cookie but we loved having her as part of our family and for being able to get her happy and healthy before sending her on to her forever family. 3

 

Andrew and I are unbelievably #blessed to have amazing friends who invited us on a vacation of a lifetime to Hawaii!!!! We spent 7 days in paradise and what felt like 2 days traveling… oh wait it was. Anyhow, we arrived and had a delicious dinner overlooking a breathtaking cove in Lihue, Kauai while the surfers surfed and the sun set.

15235359_10154314071734615_5937450213017615094_o
Traveling with such a time change, had us in bed early the first night and up at 3am, ready to go! (we tried to stay in bed until at least 5 before calling the kiddos) We spent the day at the most amazing, clear water, white sugar soft sand beach but forgot the sunscreen. ugh. We stopped and had lunch in Hanalei with yummy nachos and frozen drinks.!

Some days started hazy and wet and ended with a sprinkle but had a gorgeous middle. We tried to see every spot we could get to while we were there. Kauai has one main road that travels around the whole island (stopping at the top of the North West side and again in the West to make way for the Waimea Canyon)  Due to terrible rain storms the week before we got there, a lot of the hiking trails were closed due to the rivers taking over the trails.

We took a tubing adventure down the irrigation system of an old sugar cane plantation and it was incredible! Our tour guide was funny, had a ukulele, sang Jungle Book songs and guided us with the history of the lost sugar cane industry. while we relaxed our butts down the tiny rapids and lazy river. We sailed on a dinner cruise of the Napoli Coast, where we saw dolphins and 3 whales. Our Captain was rich with knowledge of the islands history and all the legends that filled those old volcano ridges. If you become, the least bit, motion sick I would not recommend this to you (as we found out halfway through out trip). The crew was fabulous and accommodating.We caught a sunset like nothing I have never seen as we sailed back to port.  Our dinners were boxed up for us, waiting for us and they even threw in an extra cheesecake!

On our last full night, we went to a luau and threw ourselves into the Hawaiian culture and food. The spread was delicious and the Mai Tai’s strong!! We watched the women and men explain each region and their history through dance. Andrew even graced us with his moves after being chosen from the crowd to dance onstage.

We ventured out to all the little “hot spots” we found on Yelp, in blogs and in our travel book. We hit food trucks (one we ate at 4 times, it was so good!) and shops. We saw beautiful churches and breathtaking views and ate and ate some more. A rainbow joined us for our last breakfast as we watched “the birds” surf below us. We enjoyed our time with good friends in a magical place but were so ready to come home to our boys!!

 

Our last few weeks of the year were spent with family; wrapping presents, cookie swaps & parties, making our famous stuffed hot cherry peppers, happily bouncing from house to house for the holiday and loving up our boys as we watched the magic of Christmas through their eyes.

 

This new year, I have big plans, we have goals and a lot of love to give. I am putting me and my family first. We will continue to be good people and give whatever we have to give. It’s a new year and we’re ringing it in fresh! I will continue to treat others kind, no matter how they treat us. We will raise our boys to be gentlemen and good humans. If you’re not down with that, it was nice knowing ya. #endrant
Thanks for reading my long over due post and for being in our lives, no matter how little or far away.

 

Keep Smiling. Xx

 

you can do it in three days, they said.

IMG_20160805_233327

It’s easy, they said. Well, i’m here to say,”they” lied.

We took Landon’s diaper off one day last month and brought the potty out into the living room (as i’m sure you remember telling you about…). He did great!! Peed on it all day, even pooped! He would just run over when he needed to go. He got all proud of himself when I made it a big deal.  At that time, I didn’t plan on really following through as we had plans all weekend but I never should have even started until I was ready to go all in!!! We have 3 weeks until Landon starts preschool so we have since taken the plunge, and it cannot be going any worse. I’ve talked to friends. I’ve read books. I’ve searched Pinterest for advice and everyone seems to have an amazing miracle story about how quickly their kid potty trained.

WELL! MY kid isn’t getting it! We’ve ditched the diapers, bought packs and packs of underwear and brought the potty back in play. Tomorrow will be day 3 and we may be worse off than we were on day one…….. lollipops weren’t giving him any motivation anymore so I took some pointers from a reasurring pin and made an ITS POTTY TIME chart, grabbed all the stickers in the house and made a list of prizes to get!

20160805_23220920160805_232239
Day One: we spent most of the day outside which consisted of two pants pees and ended with poop, everywhere. Pants, legs, Police bike.
Day Two: we spent more time on the actual potty! Doing nothing.  At one point, after sitting for ten plus minutes, he stood up and peed all over the floor. We went out to Wal-Mart today (to stock up on prizes), where he wore a pull-up
(we tried to get him to use the bathroom twice while we were out, and he just screamed)
and came home dry so he earned *a sticker*. He couldn’t wait to put it on his chart!!! We sat him on the potty with his tablet when we got home and some time later we heard him yell, “MAMA! I pooped!!” Of course, we made a HUGE deal about it, added *two stickers* to his potty time chart and I excitedly explained that one more sticker means he gets a prize.
We came back to flush the poop, where we found Owen. Hand covered in his brothers poop. That kid is a ninja. A chubby bear ninja.
So now he needs a bath and Landon is peeing on the floor!

20160805_232409

I’m lost and don’t even know how to move forward. I have taken Motherhood by the horns and proudly owned every second of it. Until this. This might defeat me and my kid will be the only kid who doesn’t become potty trained. I filled a basket full of goodies and bought a poop emoji balloon. A sticker book with over 600 stickers and waterballoons!! Landon’s perschool teacher said not to stress and that she loves to potty train but why is this so hard?!?. Please give me strength to stick this out.
Pop, don’t be mad when I send a potty and a pack of 14 “underwears” with Landon tomorrow 🙂 it takes a village right?!  IMG_20160805_233327

 

Keep Smiling,
Xx

Short and mostly sweet.

This will be a quick post tonight as I hope to have our children in bed in 5 minutes so I can have my brain back!!
Our adorable little 2 year old is becoming quite a little well, shit lately. I don’t want to hear, that three is worse or boys are tough… i’m just want to vent and share how time out and Landon have become bffs. He is testing me more than ever! He’s no dummy, calculates his attitude and knows every bit of what he’s saying is sending me down the rabbit hole. Andrew and I catch ourselves constantly telling him to give Owen back the toy that he just ripped from his hands so naturally when something is taken from him now (by Andrew or I) he responds with, “Give me back my {insert object} now!” The tone he attaches is deadly but the sooner he realizes who is boss, the better…. for him. for me? for everyone involved!
Don’t get me wrong, he’s still as sweet as ever and his silly smile make me melt.

As tough as today was, during our stop at Verizon looking for a new phone and getting some questions answered, Landon very politely said, “excuse me Mama? Can I take my pants off?” Embarrassment washed over me for a split second then I burst out laughing….. “Noo you can not take your pants off.” Everyone in the store giggled and explained to him how we don’t take our pants off at Verizon. He responded with “oh mann” and walked back to play on the tablet the nice man set up for him.

IMG_3506

 

My Owen is so close to walking he scares himself and falls down! He’s been practicing his drumming skills like crazy and has become a dancing fool!! When I break out the camera, he cheeses from ear to ear and sometimes throws an arm up just to reassure me how cool he really is. May 20th is inching closer closer, making this mama contemplate time travel. I can not believe how fast it went by! He recently starting making Landon cry and has begun stealing toys out of his hands. We caught the tail end of their playroom brawl the other night after dinner, which ended with Owen pushing Landon over and crawling away “grunting” with a bouncy ball in each hand.

IMG_3522

#thelifeintheday   #iwasmadeforthis

Enjoy this thunderstorm and the rest of your night!

Keep Smiling! Xx

 

Pre-pregnancy jeans & my post-pregnancy body

As a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. My younger brother and I are only 4 years apart so don’t remember my mom being pregnant. I’ve seen pictures of her and she was always smiling, beautiful and glowing. I’ve heard from her, that she was terrified, shocked and carried that test around for weeks in disbelief.
I remember setting up my cousin’s nursery with my aunt and each time she brought a new baby home, I was always there to help but I can’t remember her pregnancies. I do remember her questioning how it could have possibly happened a third time! LOL

When Andrew’s sister got pregnant, we were all so excited since there hadn’t been a baby in either family for a long time. My best friend told me she was pregnant a few months before my wedding and I couldn’t contain my emotions! They both had a great pregnancies but neither loved it very much.
I absolutely loved being pregnant. I never felt more comfortable in my own skin than when I was sharing it! (that sounds a little silence of the lambs but still! It’s true!) My skin felt new, my hair was curlier than ever. My clothes showed off my baby bump & I shopped Motherhood Maternity like it was my job! I felt tired and lazy the first few & last couple months of both but loved staying active and practicing my weekly prenatal yoga.

image

Food is up there on my top 3 favorite things list and I ate whatever. whenever. I wanted. Of course, much to my disappointment, I craved sushi a lot while I was pregnant and later on discovered a spicy crab roll that made all things right again in my world. Frozen vanilla chias were a staple and the staff at the café where I got them, began preparing one as soon as I walked in.

image

image

Everyone loves to touch a pregnant lady’s belly and it never bothered me when they did. I think pregnancy is beautiful on any women and if touching my baby in utero makes you happy, then have at it!! Old ladies especially loved to bless me & tell me not to stop because it’s the best gift and I’ll miss all the craziness one day. Women a little older than myself felt it necessary to unload all their negative feelings regarding childbearing and birth my way. Because it happened to them, (and usually not nearly a bad as they are retelling their nightmare) it most certainly will be the same for you!
I always thought when asked, “how are you feeling?” I’d respond, “pregnant” & in my head think, ‘duh, what kind of ridiculous question in that’ but in all honesty, I always respond with “fantastic!” because it was the truth. Pregnancy agreed with me and I wish I could be pregnant all the time.

image

When I’m not, I miss the belly, the kicks and flips, I miss the aches that come along with growing a human, the shortness of breath and as my friends know me, the very often peeing of my pants. >( although this longing is very minimal)

It took me a full year to get my body down in weight after Landon but I never fully got it back. I had stretch marks on my sides (that I’d rock in a bikini any day), reminding me how incredible that journey was. I had a small baby bump that I proudly camouflaged with a bagger shirt, all while it told me I was selfless and strong to have opened my body to life.

image

I’m finding it’s taking me longer to get my weight down again after Owen and I’m not ashamed of that at all.

image

I like who I see when I look in the mirror while getting dressed.
I love my “warrior paint” displayed on my sides.

I feel sexy every time I hear my husband tell me I am.

I found an old pair of jeans that have been hiding out in my closet for few years now, waiting for a break in fielding our own baseball team, so I put them on and buttoned them! I believe I screamed in joy and rocked them for a few days straight. It took 9/10 months for my body to get that large, that beautiful, that healthy and I am not going to get discouraged knowing it will take longer to go back to how it was. I feel good and that’s all that counts!

image

Keep Smiling! Xx