Talking usually makes me feel better about things going on in my life but writing has become a way for me to channel my thoughts. In a journal, a card or letter or here since I’ve started my blog. Writing is my way to get it out… to scream, to vent. To share my story, happy or sad. This time, is the most difficult post I’ve written yet.
There are no words to describe the feelings I have as I write…. and with a completely broken heart, I need to share that Andrew and I lost our tiny tomer #3.
I’m choosing to write down our story for me. no one else.
If another Mama going through the same experience, now or in the future can find comfort in my words. I hope they hear the truth and understanding about what is happening. I’ve read so many blogs about pregnancy loss, in the past because I have to say I never fully understood it. I couldn’t wrap my head around how they could possibly be feeling. And now, since we are there.
One thing, I have found common in most of the posts is that no one ever talks about what is going to happen when you are miscarrying and I was completely in the dark. Scared and in the dark. I understand, that like every pregnancy is different, each loss must be too, but this is my story… and everything they don’t tell you.
(warning— i’d stop reading now if you don’t want all the graphic details because i’m not holding anything back)
We had a beautiful Friday in Newport, celebrating our anniversary. Sitting in the sun, eating at our favorite restaurants’, buying lots of Newport memorabilia to bring home to the boys, new Tom’s for me and a new hat for the Mr, we skipped rocks at our secret hideout and enjoyed all our time together in our special place.
Saturday, was a lazy day after work for me and I hung home with the boys while Andrew attended his niece’s gymnastics recital. I was laying on the couch with Landon when he asked to lay my belly.. he pulled up my shirt, rested his head on his brother or sister and rubbed his hand back and forth. His head shot up quickly and he said, “Mama, our baby is talking to me.” I asked what it say and he, put his head back down and said, “I don’t know”. When I asked him again the next day after we told him what happened, he said, “the baby told me it wanted to stay in your belly”
Sunday was a full day for us as we had two birthday parties to attend. We started our day at a gymnastics party for a family friend where we all had a blast. The boys jumped and rope swung, Mr freefell into the foam pit (he really just slowly fell in, to get Owen out) and I went threw the bounce house obstacle course with the birthday girl.
After we had cake, I went to the bathroom because to be honest, after going down a slide and having two kids, you’re bound to pee little. I wasn’t peeing, I was bleeding. It wasn’t a lot and I wasn’t alarmed. The party was wrapping up so we headed home.
I called our Drs office just to hear what they had to say and was told that I could wait it out and be seen at the office first thing in the morning or head to the ER if it got worse.
I tripled up on pads and we headed to our next party, where we just sat and watched the kids throw a frisbee to the dog (boring, right). After we got home, the bleeding was bright red and definitely a little more. We called my mom and she came to get the boys so we could head to YALE.
-Here is where I am going to shoutout EVERY SINGLE nurse and dr we came into contact with while at YALE on Sunday night. Your professionalism, your grace during an incredibly nerve-wracking experience for us and your words in telling us the worst news we’ve ever heard, was amazing. Thank you. –
Check-in took us back to a room immediately after telling them why we were there. A Dr came in within the hour and the tests began. I peed in a cup where they did a pregnancy test to find I was pregnant, which like all of you- we already knew. The PA performed a pelvic exam where she said my cervix was closed which was the best case in a situation like this. There as a lot of blood but it wasn’t “pooling”, as she put it. A nurse came in to draw some blood, we talked about her very pregnant belly and how she was on boy #3, like us (rather, like i’d hoped) Andrew told her he was holding out for a girl. Transport came and took us to ultrasound where they performed two, and internal ultrasound and outer. Before we started, the tech told us that she was not a doctor and that she could not tell us anything while we were with her. A doctor would come back into our room and go over it all with us.
I don’t know if it was the hospital or how awesome everyone was, but Andrew and I both said to each other ,how we felt optimistic being there.
After 4 hours, our nurse brought us some prepared lunches after seeing us sharing the few starbursts we found at the bottom of my purse (totally life of parents). Immediately after Andrew finished his sandwich, the PA came back in.
She said, “I have some not so good news for you. We found that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and you are in fact, having a miscarriage.”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I’m not sure if I heard everything she said after that.
She did tell us, there was nothing more they could do there but I had three options moving forward. 1- let my body do it’s thing and it would continue to miscarry on its own; at home. 2- my OB could give me a medicine that would help speed things along; again at home. 3- I could have a procedure called a D&C and they would surgically remove the fetus and tissue. I had to call and see my Dr first thing in the morning.
I don’t know how long we were there after that because I broke down. Andrew jumped up the second the PA left the room and grabbed me. We sat there and cried together.
My parents had the boys and all I wanted to do was see them so we went straight there. It was well past midnight and they were all asleep so I just watched them for a while… Owen taking up the entire queen bed himself and Landon snuggled up close to T in the twin bed, T holding onto Landon’s shirt.
Unaware of who broke into her house (threw an unlocked door I might add), my mom came into their room. All I could do was shake my head before falling into her arms. In the living room, my dad came out and held me as I told him through sobs that we had lost the baby.
The thoughts running though my mind the rest of the night were, why? what did I do? what was so different this time?
Monday morning we saw our Dr at 11:30am and he went over our options again telling me that if I let my body do it itself, it could take up to 3 weeks. Andrew and I had talked earlier that morning and I decided I wanted to do the D&C because I didn’t think I could handle going through all that at home. We talked about what the ultrasound found. I was 12 weeks pregnant and the baby was only measuring 8 weeks.That is a huge difference, too big of a difference. He told us the baby most likely passed a week or two ago. For whatever reason, the connection as the baby was growing was off. “It wasn’t cooking right.” as Mr Landon said. Hearing this made me feel much better knowing it was nothing I did.
I signed the consent forms and went home to wait for a surgery day and time. Dr F told me to call if the bleeding got worse.
I didn’t ask any questions about miscarrying at home because I had decided on the D&C but as we already know, my body had different plans for this pregnancy. Around 5pm, my cramping turned into what felt like contractions and the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I called the on-call Dr who walked me through each step.
I was in fact having contractions because my body knew it had to get the baby out. Besides the obvious, another difference between labor and a miscarriage is that your cervix doesn’t dilate, everything pushes through the tissue that is there.
Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.
I asked if since my contractions were 1-5 minutes apart, would it happen sooner than later. She answered yes and that I was in for a long night. There would be lots of blood and once the sac containing the baby passed, the contractions would slow down or stop until the rest of the tissue came out. I was to call if the bleeding became uncontrollable. I switched between the toilet and the shower for over an hour and everything happened as she said it would. I know so many people that have experienced pregnancy loss and again, read sooo many blogs about it but no one talks about the gross stuff, so I had no idea what to expect.
We received a call at 8:30am Tuesday morning saying we needed to be seen for an ultrasound right away to make sure everything passed. Once there, our Dr told us there was still too much tissue in my uterus and he wanted me to have the D&C also. It was still scheduled for Wednesday and he was so sorry.
I felt good all day so maybe did a little more than I should have. We had a few visitors, and I got to snuggle my godson for a couple of hours. I lost it again when my best friend walked through our front door with dinner in her hand and tears in her eyes. Talking about it out loud makes it real. It makes me feel better. I have moments where it doesn’t make any sense, and talking about it definitely helps that.
We ordered pizza because it was too hot to turn the oven on and neither of us were making anything. I ate and immediately had contractions again. Back to the bathroom to go through it all again. These hurt worse. My back was on fire, the bleeding was horrific and I just wanted it to be over.
It’s Wednesday morning, I woke up insanely early and I’m writing this section before we head to the hospital for the procedure. I have no clue what to expect. Our Dr explained that during the surgery they will basically scrape and suction out anything left in the uterus. He said it will bring closure to the physical side of the whole event. The bleeding will be minimal and I’ll only need to be on bed rest for a few days.
We arrived at the hospital at 11:20am and they took me up right away. I was prepped for surgery, each Dr that played a roll came in to explain their part in the procedure and I walked to the OR. My nurse asked how my nerves were on the way over to the room and when I told her, “crazy” she said she’d slip the calming cocktail right in my IV. Everyone introduced themselves as I climbed onto the bed. My body started to shake so my OB grabbed my hand and said he was right there and would hold my hand until I was under. I felt the mask on my face, heard the nurse tell me to take two deep breaths and I woke up about 45 minutes later, on my way to recovery. I remember bits and pieces of the after, as the anesthesia wore off. I did hear the recovery nurse on the phone telling the waiting lounge desk to bring Andrew back to my room immediately. She said “i know she’s only been here for 10 minutes but she’s very emotional and they said she cried the whole procedure so I want him back here right away” He came, held my hand and fed me muffins and cranberry juice (what a guy). We left the hospital after only a few hours and were off to go home! I’ll be on best rest for rest of the weekend but everything went great. My head was fuzzy for a while and the emotions hit me in waves but talking about it helps. I’m very sore and the boys love holding my hand to help me to the bathroom ❤
They don’t tell you that the percentage of miscarriage goes down to .7% at 10 weeks. They don’t tell you it happens anyways.. at 12 weeks. They don’t tell you that you will have contractions like you do in labor. They don’t tell you that there is so much blood. sooo much. They don’t tell you your body pushes your baby out and you feel it. They don’t tell you it will last for hours. They don’t tell you your husband will run from upstairs to downstairs to keep the boys occupied, your ice water filled, a cold towel on your neck and that the shower head is hitting the right spot on your back. They don’t tell you through pain, sweat and the tears that you will come out okay. They don’t tell you the clots will be so big you think you are dying. They don’t tell you that it happens for days. They don’t tell you that when you go back to the dr he will see way too much tissue and require the d&c anyways. They don’t tell you that you’ll continue to miscarry for a second night. They don’t tell you it will be just as bad as the first. They don’t tell you your emotions will hit you like a truck and take your breath away. They don’t tell you that you will watch your husband as he processes the loss of HIS child. They don’t tell you he will try to keep his feelings in check to make sure yours are met at every second through this awful time. They don’t tell you that you will see him shake with nerves as he sends you into the OR for your first encounter with heavy drugs- let alone surgery- for this. They don’t tell you that you will cherish the only two bump pictures you got to take, like gold. They don’t tell you how long you’ll keep your pregnancy announcement out.
They don’t tell you how life changing this is.
They don’t tell you to talk about it, to share your story, to grieve in your own way.
I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mother. My life’s purpose made sense the days my boys were born. Fostering as allowed me to share my love of being a Mama with babes who need it so desperately. Loosing OUR baby, that we wanted so badly has shaken me to my core. There is no way to fully explain the emotions to anyone.
I cannot thank my husband enough for his strength as he is literally carrying me through the worst days of my life. He didn’t leave my side and I know our love will get us through this.
We want to thank each and everyone of you who have reached out, brought us food, flowers, taken our boys, picked up my prescriptions, picked up and dropped off Landon at school, been a shoulder for me to cry on, called or came right over. We welcome your love and texts and butts on our couch. Thank you for bringing me my godson to snuggle for hours and for those of you who have experienced pregnancy loss yourself, for sending me encouragement and strength.
We will get through this and move past the shock of it all, with time, as we mourn the loss of our sweet baby who I know Nana Bea has swaddled up tight.
If you made it to the end (….. it took forever, right!?) thank you for reading my story. I never wish this for anyone but if someone can find peace or comfort in my words, I’ve completed my mission. If you think someone else could benefit from it, please share.
Keep Smiling & Spread the Love